Fiction Blurring into Reality

It's amazing how much books can affect me. The characters' emotions are somehow transferred to the depth of my soul. I feel them in my real life and act accordingly. Paullina Simons manages to touch something deep inside me with her books, especially the Bronze Horseman trilogy. Tatiana changed my perspective.

Simple things like making dinner. Before, it was a chore but now I feel good making something nice for J because I feel how Tania felt making dinner for Alexander. Also, Tania's love for her husband somehow makes me act more loving towards J. Is this emotion real or imagined? Do I strive to be like her in hopes that I can have the same love? How can I compare my life to fiction?

I don't know. I don't know.

I'm going back to my book. I wish it would never end.

Tears and Joy

It finally happened last night and I cried! I wasn't even sure that's what happened but my unexpected physical reaction obviously proved it.

Reading The Summer Garden all day probably what made it happen. I couldn't stop thinking of J.

Feels Like Home

Love love love this song.


If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've felt so low
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I've never thought I'd love anyone so much

Beautiful baby

Every mother thinks their child is the most beautiful (except maybe my own) so when others say how "beautiful", "gorgeous" and (my favourite) "stunning" Sophie is, I can't help but feel proud when obviously I had nothing to do with her looks.

Body after Pregnancy

I read an article on the net about false hopes of women who give birth being able to bounce back into their pre-pregnancy bodies.

People think I have "bounced back" to my original size. What they don't realise is that my stomach and breasts are not what they used to be. I never had a flat board abs but the skin was quite tight and once I lost weight, the stomach didn't hang. Now, I'm back to my small size, yet the tummy has a roll of jelly that plops around depending which way I lie down.

My breasts never satisfied me but I really should've appreciated them more because after giving birth, they are not only big but soft and roll to the sides when I lie down. Wearing strapless dresses was difficult enough before becoming a mother but possible. Now, I can forget it. The boobs are way too low without a bra and no strapless bra will ever provide enough support.

However, please don't get discouraged, it is possible to look the way you did with a good bra and get your stomach small enough to look flat under clothes (without much exercise if you were not big to begin with). I think it is possible to get the stomach flat completely because I have noticed mine getting better.

The boobs can't be changed unfortunately (without surgery) but there's nothing a good bra can't fix. And honestly, they don't even look that bad without one. Don't think of those tribal women who have sausages hanging to their bellies. Just a couple of centimetres lower than before pregnancy.

The most important thing for me was that J says he finds me even more attractive now than ever. Every time I mention getting a boob job, he quickly says, "NO! I love them. You're perfect." With J's confidence in me, I feel sexier than ever. So get yourself a supportive partner before making babies and your body will be just the way you want it (and let's not forget you get a beautiful precious baby as a bonus).

Hoarder of the Past

I'm so bad at letting go. Starting from stuff I have collected over the years to following old blogs I'm not interested in anymore. I can't not occasionally check to see what's happening with the bloggers.

For example, take one blog. The blogger used to follow my old blog so I read his to see what he was up to. Every time I checked it, I regretted it. His thoughts and life just really irritated me. I haven't looked at it in months after I finished my first blog but when I did, I found out he became addicted to gambling and prostitutes. I have no respect for those sorts of men, yet I had to check again to see what was happening in his life. Why, I ask, WHY?

Why do I care?

Yummy Mummy

A friend called me a "the yummiest mummy I know" on the weekend. I've never been called that before and although of course I was pleased by such a compliment, I didn't really like the term "yummy mummy". I just wanted to be a "yummy Maya". Just because I had a child, I didn't want to be defined as a mother. That was just a part of me but that was not who I was.

When I started my recent dance classes and everyone had to say something about themselves, one person said, "I'm a mother". That was all well and nice but I couldn't say that as my own introduction.

The same friend yelled to J as he was picking me up, "Your wife is hot!" Now that felt really good, especially when J shouted back, "I know!"

The smile on my face is hard to wipe now.

Happy Encounter

I ran into a girl from high school yesterday after my mother's group. The shock on her face when she saw me with a pram was priceless.

I don't think I've ever introduced Sophie to anyone I haven't seen in a while so it was weird to say, "This is my... daughter Sophie". It felt like I was really old. She noted the ring on my finger and said, "So you're married". It was good I was wearing it cos sometimes I don't.

It's probably very smug of me but I couldn't stop smiling afterwards to be able to show off what most people at my high school probably didn't expect - for me to be married with a baby at 25.

Ahhh...

What I Want

Tired

Feel so tired. Should go and have a nap while Sophie is finally sleeping. Have a feeling she'll wake up as soon as I lie down.

Inconsiderate

No one showed up. Kate messaged me to say Sue had to go home so they couldn't come (because Sue was driving). Can't say I'm too surprised but I'm still disappointed. It's not like she didn't know they were supposed to come here. Why did she possibly have to go home at 5pm? She doesn't do anything.

J will probably say, "See?! I told you she was selfish".

I honestly don't care if I leave her out when inviting people over again. She doesn't seem to have any consideration for others. Nothing I didn't already know. I guess I had to be reminded.

It just goes to show how difficult it is to find real friends.

No awkwardness

Three of my friends from school are coming over in the afternoon. Kate and Sue haven't seen Sophie in ages. Had to convince J to let Sue come over. He really doesn't like her. I understand his reasons but I hate conflict and want to avoid it at all costs. Call me weak. I wish I was stronger in that regard and could just tell Sue not to come but I would hate the awkwardness when I see her again, which I will because she's friends with my other friends.

Aaron will be here soon to practise his presentation on me.

Sick

Damn this cold. Can't even go to mothers' group today cos it wouldn't be fair to the other babies (and mothers). That's something I look forward to on Tuesdays. Also, library session for little ones is on today and won't go to that either.

Feel so tired but it makes no difference to the baby. Maybe I should have a little nap now. Don't really want to sleep though.

My Weakness

Nice smelling body washes. Makes me feel like I've been dipped into a lusciously fresh smoothie.

Dreaming of Talent

How nice would it be to be talented and not just a dreamer...

Good Night, Sleep Tight

I'm sick. J's sick. Sophie still seems ok. Fingers crossed she stays that way.

Just want to cuddle up in bed with J.

I haven't been sleeping well. Don't know what to do about J's snoring. I seriously considered having separate bedrooms when we get a bigger place. It's so depressing. Don't want to be one of those couples who sleep separately.

The worst thing is that I can't sleep without him either.

What can I do? I'm desperate for some deep sleep. Sophie hasn't even been waking me up the whole of last month.

I took some Cold and Flu night tablet last night and even though J's snoring woke me up once, the rest of the night I slept quite well. I always have a pillow over my head which helps to drown out the noise a bit but gives me a headache in the morning.

We even went to the doctor about this problem but he just suggested to lose some weight. J has been good about it but I'm not getting my hopes up. I don't think it's a weight problem.

I think good sleep is the only thing I miss about being single.

The Bachelor Party Effect

Who would've thought that bachelor parties would make a guy more caring to his wife?

I was shocked when the day after J attended one such party, he said to me, "Maya, talking to some of the guys made me realise how I don't do enough for you". Imagine my jaw dropping and everything stopping for a moment. Did I hear him correctly?

"One guy had a game planned but he remembered that he promised his wife he would go shopping with her so he canceled." Oh my god!

"I wouldn't expect you to cancel something like that just to go shopping with me," I said honestly.

"I know but is there anything I can do for you?"

After I asked him several times if he was serious and whether he meant what he was saying, I let him know that it would be nice if he didn't get annoyed at me when I got headaches (which has been happening every weekend) because it's not something I could control.

"I'm sorry. I was wrong. I know it's not your fault. I'll be more caring."

It's not often I get to hear that. How I bathed in the sunshine of those words.

Love berries

We got the yummiest strawberries. Haven't tasted such sweet ones for a while.

What will power?

My thoughts at 8am:
That's it. I'm going to stop snacking incessantly and only eat at certain times, like Sophie.

My thoughts at 9:30am:
Oh, I don't care. I'll just have the marshmallow biscuit.

How will I ever lose weight when I have no self-control whatsoever?

Dress up games

Is it weird that I still have the same hobby that I had when I was seven?

Always loved paper dolls. Used to draw clothes for them all the time. Wanted to become a fashion designer.

Now technology has made it even better with electronic paper dolls.

How addicted I am to stardoll!

I can be anyone and wear anything:

Little White Lie

My university friends are meeting up for dinner tonight to celebrate one of their birthdays and I said I couldn't come because there was no one to look after Sophie. In reality, I just didn't want to go.

Yesterday, J wanted me to come and meet him after work so we could walk around the city (since we haven't done that in ages!) but Aaron (my brother) was busy last night and couldn't baby-sit. He said he could do it today.

Fingers crossed, I don't bump into any of them when I go to the city tonight. Now, that would be awkward.

Real Love

What is love? An age-old question.

I was pondering this in bed last night. Love has to be unconditional right? It envelopes the whole person. Everything, the good and the bad.

You know when you love someone, right?

I know I love Sophie. It comes from within. There is nothing she can ever do to make me not love her.

Do I love J? All of him? I'm worried that I don't know the answer to that. My thoughts tell me that of course I love him. But when I look deep inside myself and ask, "Do I love him right now, when his temper is boiling over and he's saying things that hurt me?" I'm angry, I'm mad, I can't love him at that moment. Then, we're fine again. He takes me into his arms and we giggle like little kids under the covers. I love him again.

Can love stop and start? Is that really true love?

All in its place

When J and I got married and moved into our first home, I decided that I wasn't going to be one of those wives who sorted her husband's clothes. We divided our wardrobe in half and I didn't care what he did with his section. (I was worried that if I started to organise his stuff, I'd always end up doing things for him and I had enough chores as it was.)

Almost two years later, something came over me and I got this immense drive to sort his clothes. This is amazing in itself as I never even have the drive to sort out my own clothes. During Sophie's morning nap, it took 20 minutes to organise all his things - all the T-shirts by colour, all shorts in one place, all jumpers neatly folded together.

I feel quite good now! I don't know what it is about a neat home that make me feel so light. It's like I organised my brain, rather than the things around me. And I didn't do it for him, I did it for myself.

7 1/2 month old schedule

Mine:

7am - bottle (150-200mL)
8pm - breakfast (cereal + fruit) and water
9am - nap
11:30 - lunch (vegetables) and bottle (100-150mL)
1pm - nap
3pm - bottle (150-200mL)
4pm - possible nap if previous naps were short)
5pm - dinner (cereal + vegetables) and water
6:00 - bath
6:30pm - bottle (150-200mL)
7pm - sleep (hopefully till at least 6:30am)

What's yours?

A Looooooonnnnnnggggggg book

Anna Karenina is really dragging on. Amy already finished it. Why can I not be bothered to read it? I'm already past halfway.

Forgiveness by laughter

Can't stay mad with J when he makes me laugh. I wasn't going to let him but he knows exactly how to tickle my insides without saying a word.

Amy Amy

Amy cheered me up today. I've known her for 10 years. We've had our ups and downs but she's still the one I can be serious with, be silly, just be myself. She's one the few people I know I will be friends with for life.

Not perfect

Want to write stuff but can't. Paranoid about being discovered.

Angry, upset and disappointed with J. Didn't expect him to say things he said. Didn't expect him to do things he did. Very hurt. I shouldn't take those things to heart but where is his respect? I don't want to be one of those women who don't mind being put down. I deserve better treatment.

He's calling me again. I'm not picking up. Again.

I didn't make him his soup that I always make him. I was going to but thought why should I behave as if everything was fine when it's wasn't? Just gives him reason to continue to talk to me the way he does.

I'm deceiving myself into believing I have the perfect marriage. Does anyone? What should be the limit of bad stuff?

I remember J once said, "I don't want us to be a perfect couple. That's too much pressure". I'm not asking for perfect.

Not another Monday

Amy is coming over again tomorrow! Really looking forward to it. Staying home with a baby can get really lonely.

Expanding heart

Is it possible to love a baby that much?

I'm overfilled with love every time I think of Sophie. I wonder if my Mum loves me that much.

Enough

My mother asked me if J and I had enough money or if we needed help.

How offensive! Just because J is the sole provider at the moment. We are two grown-up adults who can handle our finances.

Seriously.

Most Exhausting Job

Don't remember ever being so tired when I used to go to work.

A fable

Want to read something that moves you? Something that makes you think? Something that stays with you after the last chapter is over?

Read The Boy in Striped Pyjamas.

Man's Best Friend

Watched Marley and Me. It didn't look that interesting but I heard and read many good things about it. I was not disappointed. Although I wish some other guy played Owen Wilson's role as I don't like watching him, the theme of family and the realistic view of hardships couples face really got me into it. My eyes watered at the end.

Vanity

What is it with lots of bloggers posting pictures of themselves? And not just "Here I am next to the Eiffel Tower" but "Look at me, don't I look very attractive in this pose?"

I don't understand it but I can say it makes their blogs more interesting. Like watching a reality show of the blogger's life.

A mother's social life

Mothers group is on later today. Can't wait!!!

It's amazing how one small choice can change your life. I remember how unsure I was about going the first time. How glad I am that I made the decision to go. This weekly event is now the highlight of my week.

Visit from a friend

My closest friend, Amy, spent the day with me yesterday. It was so good to have company and not be alone when Sophie was crying. We discussed everything - life, relationships, babies, work, the weather. How I miss having friends to chat with on a daily basis.

Nice Day

I like Wednesdays. Wednesdays mean that the week is getting to the end part and it's not too far till Thursday (which means the weekend is almost here).

Extra Hour of Sleep for Mummy

Good morning!

We are totally off our usual schedule today. Sophie woke up at 5 and then decided to go back to sleep from 7 to 8. That was fine by me! Maybe she can go to sleep a bit later and wake up at 8 all the time. Now, that would make a huge difference to my energy levels in the morning and throughout the day.

Why am I blogging so much lately? I don't know.

Lonely blog

I want some readers...

Married and interesting?

I was just reading some young unmarried people's blogs and they are so engrossing, so addictive, yet I can't find a single blog of a married person with children to be half as entertaining. Why???

The Good Things About Staying Home With the Baby

Last year, I couldn't wait to go on maternity leave and have a break from the mutiny of work.

A year later, I'm thinking how nice it would be to go to work and do adult stuff. To not have to hear a baby cry every few hours, to not change nappies, not to make baby food, to not come up with ways to entertain the baby.

So today I'm trying to think of the positives. Here they are:

1. Being able to take a nap while the baby is sleeping during the day
2. Be in pyjamas all morning
3. Have breaks to go on the internet or to read or watch TV
4. Do chores like laundry and cleaning during the day and have the weekend free for other stuff
5. Know that your little one's life completely depends on you and nothing will make her happier than being in your arms

Early morning snacking

I can't help myself. Another force is making me visit the kitchen every five minutes to get a chocolate marshmallow biscuit, or a piece of raisin bread or apple cake we got on the weekend.


It didn't help that my Mum told me on the weekend that she's never seen me this skinny. (Not quite true as I was skinnier when I got really sick a few years back.)

Nap time

In the afternoon, I put Sophie for a nap and decided to have one too.

10 minutes later...
Rrring rrring... rrring rrring...

"Hello?"
"Hey, I'm taking a break from studying. What are you doing?" - brother

10 minutes after hanging up...
Rrring rrring... rrring rrring...

"Hello?"
"Hi Maya! How are you, darling?" - grandma

15 minutes after hanging up
Rrring rrring... rrring rrring...

"Hello?"
"Hello, how's everything? How's Sophie?" - mum

20 minutes after hanging up...
Rrring rrring... rrring rrring...

"Hello?"
"Hey babe, how are you going? Have you had a nap yet?" - husband

15 minutes after hanging up...

"Ahhhhhhhh!" - Sophie

All cried out

I just let Sophie cry for 15 minutes. I didn't think she'd stop but she did and now she's asleep. I feel like such a horrible mother. Maybe I should've rocked her for those 15 minutes till she could relax enough to fall asleep. I did that last time.

Usually her cry makes me so upset that I just run to her but today I was so tired and annoyed and irritated that I was willing to try the cry-it-out theory. I have to say that I am really amazed that it only lasted 15 minutes. If I didn't look at the clock I thought it was going on for an hour.

The worst thing about letting your baby cry is wondering if she is crying for a reason like she needs something or out of frustration that she's too tired and can't sleep.

I wish I could go for a nap too but her dinner is on the stove so have to wait till that finishes cooking.

Night Wake-ups

Why won't she sleep?! Why????????

The Good and the Bad

Good girls believe in Heaven, bad girls believe in Hell but smart girls believe in Darwin;

Good girls wait for a prince on a white horse, bad girls wait for a millionaire in a black Mercedes, smart girls think both characters are fictional;

Good girls sleep in pyjamas, bad girls sleep naked, smart girls - depending on the situation;

Good girls look for their erogenous zones, bad girls know them, smart girls believe there are no non-erogenous zones;

Good girls are loyal to their husband, bad girls to their lover, smart girls to both;

Good girls love all children, bad girls only those who've come of age, smart ones their own;

Good girls don't wear mini-skirts, bad girls wear them but without underwear, smart girls don't wear them to work;

Good girls sunbake in swimming suits, bad girls topless, smart girls in the shade.

Can't stop

I am really starting to spam by blog. Don't know what's gotten into me.

My Happy Place

Snuggled with J on the couch watching The Mentalist.

To Blog or Not To Blog?

That is the question.

I had a blog. It even managed to accumulate a group of readers. The more readers I got, the more paranoid I became about my blog's anonymity. The less I wrote.

After doing it for 3 years I was a bit over it.

Then having had a bit of a break from it, I missed being able to send out random (and not so random) thoughts into the vast unknown virtuality. So here I am back again.

So tired

Every morning when I hear Sophie calling for me, I promise myself that I will have a nap when she does. When the time comes for her nap, what do I do but go on the computer. That doesn't feel as much of a waste of time as sleeping.

Evolution of male sexuality from 10 to 80

10. Want something but don't know what
12. Want to do it
14. Want any girl
16. Want just that specific friend because she gives it to everyone
18. Want everyone! ...to try once!
20. Want just that specific girl because she doesn't give it to anyone
25. Want only that specific woman because she's the best
30. Want that woman because she's someone else's wife
35. Want everyone except my wife
40. Want that silly 16 year old
45. Want the lonely neighbour, she's unlikely to refuse
50. Don't want anyone, sick of everyone... but I must!
55. Want... to do it?
60. Want any woman but can't... very well
65. Have to pretend that I still want it
70. Thank God don't have to pretend anymore
75. I remember how I wanted that woman!
80. I remember that I wanted something, but don't remember what...

After the first 6 months

When will the night waking end???

How I feel

Mad mad mad! Oh so mad!

And angry.

Recipe for Good Sleep

Sex before bed.

Life Goes On

My grandpa died almost a year ago. My grandma talks about him all the time. She says once she starts crying she can't stop. Her heart drops every time she sees an elderly couple. 48 years together.

She says that what keeps her going is knowing that we need her.

I will never cope if J dies before me. I won't.

Why?

This blog = publicised anonymity.

Sigh

Sunday night.

J is not home.

Sophie is getting to sleep.

Maya - restless.

Darling

Darling, lake’s sky-blue eyes
And in them, grief inexplicable
They are like mirrors of the soul.
Darling, by what unknown force
I am chained to you, my beloved?
Who created you, tell me?

I burn with only one desire
Wishing to be loved by you.
Your tenderness will kindle
The cold of previous days
Without your love.
I will brush your lips with my lips
One breath for two
One wish for two
These hearts are made happy with these two rings.

Darling, what magical force
You use, darling?
I just melt from it.
Kissing me, whispering to me
How happy I am now
That I see light from my beloved’s eyes.

Nosey Neighbour

Neighbour complained about Sophie. Said she cries every hour. What a lie. Said she will write a letter to ban kids from our building. Makes me laugh.

Baby, Please Come Home

J has been staying back late again. I know it's for a reason. Work life balance is so skewed here.

Little Treasure

A baby is an absolute miracle.

To hold a happy baby can make you forget all your problems and dissolve all stress.

Enough

After agonising about it for so long, I have decided to wean Sophie. I have tried putting her on and after a few seconds she starts crying. I'm sure my milk is drying up anyway cos when I expressed, I only got 5-10mL from both breasts. It's just ridiculous.


I have tried to wean a few times before but always kept changing my mind because of strong guilt. Now I feel fine with my decision because for the first time I really feel like I've done everything that I possibly could (while still keeping sane).

Reminder

Never work with family or friends.

Learn how to say no.

A mother's decision

Sophie refused the breast. She kept screaming every time I put her on. I did some research on the internet and tried a few very complicated methods which worked and now she's back on. The only problem is that she's really fussy and is hurting me again.

I'm at a loss what to do. On one hand I've had enough with breastfeeding and just want to quit the whole thing, but on the other I have enormous guilt at feeding her artificial food.

Please let there be a ray of wisdom to help me make the right decision.

Sleep baby, sleep

Sophie slept from 10pm last night to 7:30am this morning. Please let it be a sign of things to come.

Yummy Mummy

Met up with a couple of mothers from the mothers' group. All they talked about was breastfeeding, babies and husbands. One said, "I told my doctor that the last thing I wanted to do was have sex with my husband. I feel like a feeding machine, not a sexual being." The others nodded in agreement. I just smiled because J always makes me feel like the sexiest woman on Earth, even when I'm breastfeeding.

Mothers' Circle

Went to a mothers' group. I'm sure everyone was at least 30. Looks like having a baby is the only thing I have in common with them. I should try to make an effort.

Sophie loved watching the other babies and mothers. She's one curious girl. Didn't cry once. Got a few comments what a good baby she was. I hope I don't get jinxed.

I love my baby girl.

Best Nourishment

Let's talk about breastfeeding.

It's not my favourite topic but unexpectedly, it was the most difficult part of caring for a newborn.

Something that was supposed to be so natural brought me to tears and could've easily spiralled me into depression.

I always knew that I would breastfeed my baby. My Mum did it. All I've heard during my pregnancy was how breastmilk was best for the baby and nothing could replace it.

At the hospital, the midwives told me what a good job I was doing and that my baby latched on perfectly. However, within a week my nipples were cracked and bleeding. The pain was unbearable. I dreaded every feeding (especially that my baby seemed hungry every 2 hours). It felt like my beautiful baby girl had teeth and was a wild animal tearing at my nipples. That is, once I got through her screams and shaking to latch on.

Nevertheless, I persisted. Within two weeks I got an infection and beginning stages of mastitis. I was told to stop breastfeeding until my nipples healed.

I got a breast pump and felt relieved that even though I couldn't breastfeed, I could still give her my milk in a bottle. This fantasy was short-lived as I wasn't pumping enough to satisfy her. First, I started to alternate between formula and my milk but after a month, it took all day just to express enough milk for one feeding.

I wanted to quit so badly but the guilt overwhelmed me. I shed many tears feeling completely hopeless that I couldn't provide my girl with what was best for her. I even started to wean but then my nipples started healing and I thought I'd give breastfeeding another go. Amazingly, Sophie seemed to be more gentle and did not scream when I tried to put her on.

Although I don't have enough milk now, I still feed her from breast first before giving her formula.

I don't know how long I can do this as I can't just stop now for the deep feelings of guilt I would feel if she got sick and didn't have the assistance of my breast milk to get better.

The only thing that lifts my feelings of guilt and sadness is seeing her thrive (even though she gets most of her nourishment from formula).

I also strongly believe that the fact that I'm more calm now makes her more content as well.

As I've read in a baby book, breastmilk is important but not as important as a mother's love. And that I can give easily.

Baby on Schedule

Why is baby advice so contradictory and changes every few years? As if parenthood wasn't confusing enough.

These days professionals advise to follow baby cues for feeding times, change diaper times and everything else times as baby knows what it needs.

In my pregnant days, this seemed to make perfect sense - follow nature and everything will be ok.

Now with a newborn baby, continued lack of sleep and frustration at wondering why is the baby crying now, I desperately searched for more information.

And I found it. First I discovered I'm a Mom that Sleeps. She informed me that apparently a baby can sleep through the night at 3 weeks! Although that sounded amazing, I was not convinced that was a good thing for the baby. And I doubted that it could apply to all babies. However, it got me interested in schedules. The idea that if I put my baby into a routine, she would sleep through the night sooner was too good not to try.

I managed to struggle through a couple of days trying to stretch her feeding times from 2 to 4 hours. She now eats approximately every 4 hours.

Advice for baby gave more specific schedule advice and I'm trying to follow.

Sophie slept for 2 nights in a row (waking up only for her pacifer) when she was 6 weeks. This week she started waking up for food in the middle of the night again. Giving her a pacifer only stretches her till 4am (the latest) which gets us off schedule completely.

The feeding schedule I'm trying to follow is 6am, 10am, 2pm, 6pm and 10pm (getting her to skip the 2am feeding).

I think that if she wakes up at 2am again, I will just feed her, instead of trying to stretch her. I will only try to stretch her if she wakes after 4am.

Maybe that way I'll at least get some sleep in the early morning.

I also have a problem of giving her a bath before the last 10pm feeding as she never wants to wake up at that time and is happy with only a little bit of food. I wanted to use bath time as part of getting ready for bed routine. Doesn't seem to be working (even though J and I gave her a bath before bed every day since we brought her home).

I have tried to incorporate some ideas from another schedule which advises to keep the baby awake for 1.5 hours from the start of feeding but Sophie is ready for a nap after 50 minutes. Then she wakes up an hour before feeding in a very fussy mood. Not sure how to solve this problem yet.

Even though I still have a few things to smooth out with our routine, I'm convinced that having a schedule is the best thing for the baby and for me. Happy mother = happy baby.

Time Wasting

Arguments are a waste of time. I know J and I are going to make up. We could be enjoying this time together, yet we still argue.

Unexpected

I'm married. I feel lonely.

New Life

I had a perfectly healthy baby girl 2 days after my due date.

Labour took 3 hours. In total. I'm convinced drinking raspberry leaf tea daily for 4 weeks had something to do with it.

J said that when Sophie emerged and opened her eyes he never saw anybody look more shocked.

First few days were crazy - I was an emotional wreck, everything made me cry. I had feeding problems that I thought would never end. I got sick. I thought I would never get through it.

I'm happy to report that 7 weeks later, things are looking much better and coping has become a lot easier.