Not so fat

Are you feeling fat?

That's what I've been greeted with this morning by a young woman handing out flyers to selected passer-byes.

As a matter of fact I was feeling fat, even though I knew I was in a perfectly healthy weight range. I was angry at this woman for assuming that someone of size 10 needed to lose weight.

Preying on women's insecurites is nothing new but never having been on the receiving end of it, I felt quite inadequate and couldn't stop thinking about it the whole day.

Of course inside I knew that I shouldn't have taken it personally. She might've been just desperate to hand out her advertisement for a new miracle technology that can melt weight in all the stubborn places.

Still, I couldn't help but get annoyed at how instead of promoting a healthy lifestyle, there were still companies trying to exploit women's low self-image.

I know I would've much preferred to be given an ad for a dance class than fat-sucking machine.

Unrecorded memories

I wish I kept a record of my life since I got married.

Creativity block

Sometimes I wish there was no internet or TV. Then I would have to do something creative to entertain myself, rather than mindlessly absorb creative entertainment.

Stringing my heart

In love with Alexander Rybak's songs. Never liked the sound of violin until I heard him play.

If You Were Gone
If you were gone the moon would lose its brightness
Without your smile the finch would sing no more
And once in a while some waves would sigh with sadness
Remembering two lovers walking by the shore

If you were gone the days would all be pointless
And in the night I'd sing the song so blue
A song about spring and every happy moment
When I had all the time alone with you

But you're right here and nothing could be better
So take my hand and stay with me 'till dawn
And while the wind is playing with your sweater
I can't imagine life if you were gone...

If you were gone the world would lose its meaning
Without your love how could I smile again
And though the sun would always keep on shining
I'd never shine without my dearest friend

I wish...

If I had a magic wand, after wishing for infinite more wishes, I'd wish for all the clothes to iron themselves so I wouldn't have a growing mountain of them on top of the washing machine every week.

Heart waves

In a bubble of emotions
Blurred by overwhelmed senses
Can't focus
Can't think in a straight line

Will the windows of my heart clear up?
Will I see clearly again?
Or will the pink shadows
Wrapped around my mind
Remain unmoved forever

Vicarious living

Amy's got a boyfriend! I'm almost as excited as when J became my boyfriend (more than 5 years ago). He sounds really great and I can't wait to meet him!

J and I might be going out with them this Friday. I still haven't asked my grandma if she's ok looking after Sophie. I feel guilty for asking because she'll be looking after her till 6:30pm this Wednesday as Amy and I are going to a musical.

I've been feeling very blah today. Craving for something exciting. I still have to cook...

Teen Mom

I love Teen Mom. Haven't enjoyed a show that much in AGES! So many things I can relate to even though I was never a teen mom.

I am amazed how they can be so open in front of the cameras. Some people have no self-consciousness. I wish I was more like that.

New and Old

Should I blog more regularly? I might be motivated if I had more readers...

I've got a headache and a sore throat. J is studying. Amy is excited about a potential new relationship. It reminds me of the beginning of J and my relationship. The uncertaintly, the nervousness, the excitement...

Lately, I'm just annoyed with him. Little things he does bug me. Yet, I've never loved him more.

He's on my side

You think he's not listening to what you say and he goes and surprises you with just how much he has absorbed.

When J was arguing with his Mum about the way we are bringing up Sophie, he was saying everything I always told him - all the reasons we have her on a schedule, all the reasons we give her a well-balanced diet (suitable for her age), all the reasons for how we behave with her. As my words were coming out of his mouth, all I could think of was how much I loved him for being on my side.

Warm and fuzzy

So proud of Sophie. She was a little angel today when we went to J's parents. On the way back, I looked at the backseat of our car and she gave me the biggest smile. It filled up my whole body with glowing warmth. Then J put his hand on my lap and all I could think of was how lucky I was to have this family.

Finger-tied

I miss writing. Simple as that.

You know that feeling when you're tongue-tied? You want to say something but can't find a way for it to come out?

That's how I feel about writing. So much I want to express but an invisible wall of self-consciousness and doubt is holding me back.

So what do I do? I read. Although I've always been an avid reader, I haven't ever read as much as I've read in the last few months. Instead of reading free newspapers on the train, I have been reading novels. I even managed to complete One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

I used to write stories. Poems and screenplays too. Now every time I open a new document, I stare at the empty screen and can't find a way of getting past the first page. My stories have no middle and no ending, just beginnings.

Meg Cabot, a popular author of many kids, teens and adults' books, explains that in order to have a story you need a beginning, a middle and end. So obvious and simple. Yet so hard!

I can't seem to find a fictional story to write about. All I can think of is what happened to me and I don't want to be writing any autobiographies.

I want to write something
But nothing comes to mind
Not a bit of inspiration
Not an idea of any kind.

Maybe one day it'll come to me
And everything will be clear
I'll find the story deep within me
And create it without fear.

Did I mention I have a thing for rhyme?

Incapable of Happiness

Why am I unhappy when I have everything I've always wanted?

I think my fear of being incapable of staying happy is true.

Life Mathematics

Problem:
Haven't slept properly in weeks. Feeling exhausted. And stressed. I can't cope and feel like I'm about to snap and/or collapse.

Causes of the problem:
1. husband
2. child care situation

Solutions to the problem:
1. husband changes
2. child gets a spot in a child care centre ASAP

Chance of solving the problem: 0

Therefore, problem will persist.

Child Pull

How is it possible to want to be with my child, yet want my freedom and independence?

Sophie's strong personality has the power to drive both of her parents (i.e. us) insane. She leaves us exhausted with her constant demands for attention, her frustrated whining and unfillable wants. We are more than happy to hand her over to either set of her grandparents who only see her as a perfect child and us as over-exaggerating parents.

Yet, why is every time she's not with us, we can't stop talking about her? I can't stop thinking of her cheeky smile and loving eyes and all the affection she pours on us with her toddler hugs and kisses?

I am stuck in between these conflicting feelings pulling me into opposite directions. I miss the calm.

Lack of confidence or biased opinion?

"You are more than just what you do. I know you are cabable of a lot more" - J re: my job

I wish he was right and I was capable of more but I just don't think I am.

Held Back

I miss blogging. However, something is holding me back. I can't be open because I've become even more private than I used to be (if that's possible).

I feel like there are too many people that know me and I can't write openly without being recognised.