Best Nourishment

Let's talk about breastfeeding.

It's not my favourite topic but unexpectedly, it was the most difficult part of caring for a newborn.

Something that was supposed to be so natural brought me to tears and could've easily spiralled me into depression.

I always knew that I would breastfeed my baby. My Mum did it. All I've heard during my pregnancy was how breastmilk was best for the baby and nothing could replace it.

At the hospital, the midwives told me what a good job I was doing and that my baby latched on perfectly. However, within a week my nipples were cracked and bleeding. The pain was unbearable. I dreaded every feeding (especially that my baby seemed hungry every 2 hours). It felt like my beautiful baby girl had teeth and was a wild animal tearing at my nipples. That is, once I got through her screams and shaking to latch on.

Nevertheless, I persisted. Within two weeks I got an infection and beginning stages of mastitis. I was told to stop breastfeeding until my nipples healed.

I got a breast pump and felt relieved that even though I couldn't breastfeed, I could still give her my milk in a bottle. This fantasy was short-lived as I wasn't pumping enough to satisfy her. First, I started to alternate between formula and my milk but after a month, it took all day just to express enough milk for one feeding.

I wanted to quit so badly but the guilt overwhelmed me. I shed many tears feeling completely hopeless that I couldn't provide my girl with what was best for her. I even started to wean but then my nipples started healing and I thought I'd give breastfeeding another go. Amazingly, Sophie seemed to be more gentle and did not scream when I tried to put her on.

Although I don't have enough milk now, I still feed her from breast first before giving her formula.

I don't know how long I can do this as I can't just stop now for the deep feelings of guilt I would feel if she got sick and didn't have the assistance of my breast milk to get better.

The only thing that lifts my feelings of guilt and sadness is seeing her thrive (even though she gets most of her nourishment from formula).

I also strongly believe that the fact that I'm more calm now makes her more content as well.

As I've read in a baby book, breastmilk is important but not as important as a mother's love. And that I can give easily.