Incapable of Happiness

Why am I unhappy when I have everything I've always wanted?

I think my fear of being incapable of staying happy is true.

Life Mathematics

Problem:
Haven't slept properly in weeks. Feeling exhausted. And stressed. I can't cope and feel like I'm about to snap and/or collapse.

Causes of the problem:
1. husband
2. child care situation

Solutions to the problem:
1. husband changes
2. child gets a spot in a child care centre ASAP

Chance of solving the problem: 0

Therefore, problem will persist.

Child Pull

How is it possible to want to be with my child, yet want my freedom and independence?

Sophie's strong personality has the power to drive both of her parents (i.e. us) insane. She leaves us exhausted with her constant demands for attention, her frustrated whining and unfillable wants. We are more than happy to hand her over to either set of her grandparents who only see her as a perfect child and us as over-exaggerating parents.

Yet, why is every time she's not with us, we can't stop talking about her? I can't stop thinking of her cheeky smile and loving eyes and all the affection she pours on us with her toddler hugs and kisses?

I am stuck in between these conflicting feelings pulling me into opposite directions. I miss the calm.

Lack of confidence or biased opinion?

"You are more than just what you do. I know you are cabable of a lot more" - J re: my job

I wish he was right and I was capable of more but I just don't think I am.

Held Back

I miss blogging. However, something is holding me back. I can't be open because I've become even more private than I used to be (if that's possible).

I feel like there are too many people that know me and I can't write openly without being recognised.

Fiction Blurring into Reality

It's amazing how much books can affect me. The characters' emotions are somehow transferred to the depth of my soul. I feel them in my real life and act accordingly. Paullina Simons manages to touch something deep inside me with her books, especially the Bronze Horseman trilogy. Tatiana changed my perspective.

Simple things like making dinner. Before, it was a chore but now I feel good making something nice for J because I feel how Tania felt making dinner for Alexander. Also, Tania's love for her husband somehow makes me act more loving towards J. Is this emotion real or imagined? Do I strive to be like her in hopes that I can have the same love? How can I compare my life to fiction?

I don't know. I don't know.

I'm going back to my book. I wish it would never end.

Tears and Joy

It finally happened last night and I cried! I wasn't even sure that's what happened but my unexpected physical reaction obviously proved it.

Reading The Summer Garden all day probably what made it happen. I couldn't stop thinking of J.