Fiction Blurring into Reality

It's amazing how much books can affect me. The characters' emotions are somehow transferred to the depth of my soul. I feel them in my real life and act accordingly. Paullina Simons manages to touch something deep inside me with her books, especially the Bronze Horseman trilogy. Tatiana changed my perspective.

Simple things like making dinner. Before, it was a chore but now I feel good making something nice for J because I feel how Tania felt making dinner for Alexander. Also, Tania's love for her husband somehow makes me act more loving towards J. Is this emotion real or imagined? Do I strive to be like her in hopes that I can have the same love? How can I compare my life to fiction?

I don't know. I don't know.

I'm going back to my book. I wish it would never end.

Tears and Joy

It finally happened last night and I cried! I wasn't even sure that's what happened but my unexpected physical reaction obviously proved it.

Reading The Summer Garden all day probably what made it happen. I couldn't stop thinking of J.

Feels Like Home

Love love love this song.


If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've felt so low
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I've never thought I'd love anyone so much

Beautiful baby

Every mother thinks their child is the most beautiful (except maybe my own) so when others say how "beautiful", "gorgeous" and (my favourite) "stunning" Sophie is, I can't help but feel proud when obviously I had nothing to do with her looks.

Body after Pregnancy

I read an article on the net about false hopes of women who give birth being able to bounce back into their pre-pregnancy bodies.

People think I have "bounced back" to my original size. What they don't realise is that my stomach and breasts are not what they used to be. I never had a flat board abs but the skin was quite tight and once I lost weight, the stomach didn't hang. Now, I'm back to my small size, yet the tummy has a roll of jelly that plops around depending which way I lie down.

My breasts never satisfied me but I really should've appreciated them more because after giving birth, they are not only big but soft and roll to the sides when I lie down. Wearing strapless dresses was difficult enough before becoming a mother but possible. Now, I can forget it. The boobs are way too low without a bra and no strapless bra will ever provide enough support.

However, please don't get discouraged, it is possible to look the way you did with a good bra and get your stomach small enough to look flat under clothes (without much exercise if you were not big to begin with). I think it is possible to get the stomach flat completely because I have noticed mine getting better.

The boobs can't be changed unfortunately (without surgery) but there's nothing a good bra can't fix. And honestly, they don't even look that bad without one. Don't think of those tribal women who have sausages hanging to their bellies. Just a couple of centimetres lower than before pregnancy.

The most important thing for me was that J says he finds me even more attractive now than ever. Every time I mention getting a boob job, he quickly says, "NO! I love them. You're perfect." With J's confidence in me, I feel sexier than ever. So get yourself a supportive partner before making babies and your body will be just the way you want it (and let's not forget you get a beautiful precious baby as a bonus).

Hoarder of the Past

I'm so bad at letting go. Starting from stuff I have collected over the years to following old blogs I'm not interested in anymore. I can't not occasionally check to see what's happening with the bloggers.

For example, take one blog. The blogger used to follow my old blog so I read his to see what he was up to. Every time I checked it, I regretted it. His thoughts and life just really irritated me. I haven't looked at it in months after I finished my first blog but when I did, I found out he became addicted to gambling and prostitutes. I have no respect for those sorts of men, yet I had to check again to see what was happening in his life. Why, I ask, WHY?

Why do I care?

Yummy Mummy

A friend called me a "the yummiest mummy I know" on the weekend. I've never been called that before and although of course I was pleased by such a compliment, I didn't really like the term "yummy mummy". I just wanted to be a "yummy Maya". Just because I had a child, I didn't want to be defined as a mother. That was just a part of me but that was not who I was.

When I started my recent dance classes and everyone had to say something about themselves, one person said, "I'm a mother". That was all well and nice but I couldn't say that as my own introduction.

The same friend yelled to J as he was picking me up, "Your wife is hot!" Now that felt really good, especially when J shouted back, "I know!"

The smile on my face is hard to wipe now.

Happy Encounter

I ran into a girl from high school yesterday after my mother's group. The shock on her face when she saw me with a pram was priceless.

I don't think I've ever introduced Sophie to anyone I haven't seen in a while so it was weird to say, "This is my... daughter Sophie". It felt like I was really old. She noted the ring on my finger and said, "So you're married". It was good I was wearing it cos sometimes I don't.

It's probably very smug of me but I couldn't stop smiling afterwards to be able to show off what most people at my high school probably didn't expect - for me to be married with a baby at 25.

Ahhh...

What I Want

Tired

Feel so tired. Should go and have a nap while Sophie is finally sleeping. Have a feeling she'll wake up as soon as I lie down.

Inconsiderate

No one showed up. Kate messaged me to say Sue had to go home so they couldn't come (because Sue was driving). Can't say I'm too surprised but I'm still disappointed. It's not like she didn't know they were supposed to come here. Why did she possibly have to go home at 5pm? She doesn't do anything.

J will probably say, "See?! I told you she was selfish".

I honestly don't care if I leave her out when inviting people over again. She doesn't seem to have any consideration for others. Nothing I didn't already know. I guess I had to be reminded.

It just goes to show how difficult it is to find real friends.

No awkwardness

Three of my friends from school are coming over in the afternoon. Kate and Sue haven't seen Sophie in ages. Had to convince J to let Sue come over. He really doesn't like her. I understand his reasons but I hate conflict and want to avoid it at all costs. Call me weak. I wish I was stronger in that regard and could just tell Sue not to come but I would hate the awkwardness when I see her again, which I will because she's friends with my other friends.

Aaron will be here soon to practise his presentation on me.